I made it to my Home for the next 5 weeks! It's lovely here, sweet smelling air, palm trees, music, gardens,ocean.


I spent the day sleeping, unpacking, talking to the home stay owner. An outspoken American whose few house rules are very manageable. No meat or fish in the house. You do your own dishes. Don't leave any valuables in front of the window. Don't eat if you aren't hungry.
Seems easy enough. After I settled in, I slept and slept. Then I remembered my front yard.


Then thunder rolled and the skies opened up and now music fills my room as I'm thinking of crawling into bed to read. I haven't eaten since this morning but house rules insist only if I'm hungry. Good night and Happy New Year.
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I'm not sure if it's the malaria medication drifting slowly in my body but when I sleep I dream of a large spider pulling it's bulbous black center up the side of an airplane chair. I'm not sure if this is my subconscious telling me I'm afraid. I don't feel particularly frightened, intermittently I've been unable to stop my tears or my body shake from sadness but not fear.
In these waves of depression I imagine getting off the plane in Ottawa with my family and dogs waiting for me with open arms. I mostly cry for brown. I know she is in very capable, loving hands but I know I'll miss caving into her soft fur when I'm sad. She has always had my back and has been my constant soft spot to land for a lot of years. I feel sharply alone and in contrast very comforted by strange languages. Pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. Pushing the edges of my tight little bubble out a bit. I take comfort in that I can leave whenever I want, it doesn't have to be six months. I smile to myself knowing that in 6 months I'll be lamenting at how the time slipped away too quickly.
It's hard to imagine that I'll meet people and move along with them. It's hard to not think of myself as a burden. I think that way in relationships too...I never can fully commit to the idea that someone would want to choose forever with me. Though I have no problems fantasizing about choosing that. I'm sure the men in my life feel my inadequecy and my inability to surrender to love. Surrendering just made my list of things to do, throw it on between silent meditation and eating masala on the beach.
I'm flying over Pakistan and am stuck with my wandering mind and my boredom. No movies on this plane to distract all these invasive thoughts. My book is done, it's 1130 am my time and there are no screens to mindlessly side step the emotions I'm turning over and over. And over.
I'm listening to a "sad mix" that someone made me. Let his music guide my emotions with each 4 minute invitation. I miss him. I think it's okay to miss him. Though our relationship is complicated and messy sometimes it also gives me deep satisfaction. I think about all of you, new mothers and fathers, missing your birthdays and faces in my self-indulgence. So I'll get by the next hour, day and week by devoting my practices to you guys and your goodness. I'll imagine you happy,smiling and safe...in devoting myself to you I'll be lighter and so will you. I miss you all and wish every day that you are happy. Feel my love and light from India when you need a furry neck to bury your tears in. I'll be there. I'm grateful for you.


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Location:Frankfurt to India 4 hours later

My normal talisman fell from my neck years ago. I'm always on the lookout for something or someone to throw my faith into. Some kind of throwaway object to hang my dreams in, offer me protection from my demons or fix those dark recesses of me that I feel are broken.
As I'm getting ready to leave for the next six months I will my pour my devotion into 4 new items that I have carefully hung around my neck and arms. I try to tell myself they are just cheap alternatives to jewelry but I know they aren't. I make myself promise that I'll shed one with each step forward. That I'll try to not replace them with Indian look-a-likes.
I know I will need to dig in, look inward, forgive myself for perceived misgivings and letting go of my attraction to perennially bad behaviour. I don't want drugs, booze or men who don't actually love me to rule my life anymore. I know I'll be faced with hard truths, deep insights and no one to count on but myself.
I start thinking about large, sweeping goals and decide on one simple and challenging task; to not fall asleep in shivasana. With my days swapped for nights literally I think this is a small and manageable goal. Thinking in baby steps I remember Liz Gilbert's advice; ruin is the vehicle of change. If you want the castle you have to swim the moat.
So I'm diving in, faced with loneliness and sadness but at the end acceptance I accept the challenge and leave my fate all up to the person who has the power to change it...me.

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Location:Frankfurt to India

Sitting on the plane to Frankfurt in the dark surrounded by sleeping passengers I let hot tears ooze down my cheeks. The tears seem to come straight from the basement of my broken heart. I cry softly for my dog, my failed life, my unknown beginning and the friendships I'll be surviving without. I Sit and wonder what is it I think I'm doing. Will I be strong enough to do this on my own?


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Location:Airplane

5 sleeps to go

I'm starting to mentally prepare for my journey. I think in a lot of ways I've been preparing for this my whole life. I'm strangely, suddenly aware of parts of myself that I had previously gutted with substance.

Under the powers of new adventure I am seeking something that I am not sure exists for me. I want freedom or at least autonomy from guilt and pain. I want to fall in love with something...foreign markets, strange languages, lost beaches, new animals, strangers...just want to feel something that has eluded me so far.

I'm going to try to be honest and vulnerable with my emotions. I'm going to try to just be.

In the face of a new beginning I'm struggling with what parts to keep and what to shed. I've felt a lot of sadness leaving behind some of the most important people I've ever known. I know that I'm also moving towards something.

Hopefully I'll be able to be true to who I am and still step beyond my many limitations. I'm going to try to keep this updated to what I'm doing and also how I'm feeling.

So please try to honour my non-judgemental nature and push yourself a little further today. Because it's so easy to stay rooted in things, it's easy to turn your back away from a difficult conversation, someone whose lives and decisions are different than yours. At the end of the day we are all just hoping to be loved and accepted for who and what we are.

Location:Ottawa