I'm not sure if it's the malaria medication drifting slowly in my body but when I sleep I dream of a large spider pulling it's bulbous black center up the side of an airplane chair. I'm not sure if this is my subconscious telling me I'm afraid. I don't feel particularly frightened, intermittently I've been unable to stop my tears or my body shake from sadness but not fear.
In these waves of depression I imagine getting off the plane in Ottawa with my family and dogs waiting for me with open arms. I mostly cry for brown. I know she is in very capable, loving hands but I know I'll miss caving into her soft fur when I'm sad. She has always had my back and has been my constant soft spot to land for a lot of years. I feel sharply alone and in contrast very comforted by strange languages. Pushing myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. Pushing the edges of my tight little bubble out a bit. I take comfort in that I can leave whenever I want, it doesn't have to be six months. I smile to myself knowing that in 6 months I'll be lamenting at how the time slipped away too quickly.
It's hard to imagine that I'll meet people and move along with them. It's hard to not think of myself as a burden. I think that way in relationships too...I never can fully commit to the idea that someone would want to choose forever with me. Though I have no problems fantasizing about choosing that. I'm sure the men in my life feel my inadequecy and my inability to surrender to love. Surrendering just made my list of things to do, throw it on between silent meditation and eating masala on the beach.
I'm flying over Pakistan and am stuck with my wandering mind and my boredom. No movies on this plane to distract all these invasive thoughts. My book is done, it's 1130 am my time and there are no screens to mindlessly side step the emotions I'm turning over and over. And over.
I'm listening to a "sad mix" that someone made me. Let his music guide my emotions with each 4 minute invitation. I miss him. I think it's okay to miss him. Though our relationship is complicated and messy sometimes it also gives me deep satisfaction. I think about all of you, new mothers and fathers, missing your birthdays and faces in my self-indulgence. So I'll get by the next hour, day and week by devoting my practices to you guys and your goodness. I'll imagine you happy,smiling and safe...in devoting myself to you I'll be lighter and so will you. I miss you all and wish every day that you are happy. Feel my love and light from India when you need a furry neck to bury your tears in. I'll be there. I'm grateful for you.


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Location:Frankfurt to India 4 hours later